Welcome back to another chaotic week in the casino we call the markets. While Wall Street dusted off its moon boots and sent tech stocks into orbit, there were some serious undercurrents — and no, we’re not just talking about bots sniping Solana mints or that weird token you aped into that immediately rugged. Let’s dive in.
🚀 1. Nvidia and the Great AI Kool-Aid Surge
What happened: Nvidia pushed toward a $4T market cap. Micron, TSMC, and KLA also soared on demand for AI hardware.
Crypto Dummy spin: The TradFi world is catching up to what Degen Twitter knew a year ago — AI is king, and everyone’s scrambling to rent GPUs like it’s 2021 yield farming all over again. If you’re buying Nvidia now, just know: you might be someone else’s exit liquidity. Again.
🇨🇳 2. U.S.–China Trade Truce (for Now…)
What happened: Rare-earths deal. Reduced tariffs. The “we’re not friends but let’s not ruin each other’s economies” act continues.
Crypto Dummy spin: Don’t get too cozy. Every time a truce is announced, a shadowy wallet wakes up and dumps on you. Market pumps on diplomacy… then dumps on disillusionment. Classic bait-and-switch — just like those Telegram token presales.
🧾 3. The Big, Beautiful Bill (OBBBA)
What happened: The House passed a massive package: tax cuts, spending caps, and a fat $4T debt ceiling raise.
Crypto Dummy spin: They printed it again. They passed the bill so they can spend the money so they can say they’re fiscally responsible. Sound familiar? It’s giving “community wallet is locked, promise.” If this were a token, we’d be asking when unlocks hit and if insiders already dumped.
🏛️ 4. Fed Rate Cut Whispers Get Louder
What happened: PCE inflation readings stayed tame (~2.3%), and now markets are betting on a July rate cut.
Crypto Dummy spin: It’s a tale as old as time: print money, pump assets, blame inflation on vibes. Just remember — in TradFi, rate cuts = liquidity. In crypto, rate cuts = Solana NFTs going for $5K again until everyone remembers JPEGs aren’t utility.
💼 5. Earnings Shake-Up: Nike, Coinbase, and Boeing Make Moves
What happened: Nike popped on solid earnings, Coinbase rode crypto momentum before pulling back, and Boeing finally had some good PR.
Crypto Dummy spin: Look, even legacy brands can moon… when their numbers are cooked just right. And Coinbase? Let’s just say it’s the only place where your tokens AND your stock can both dump on the same day. Symmetry.
⚠️ Final Take from Crypto Dummy:
The week felt bullish, but don’t get blinded by green candles — bots don’t sleep, insiders don’t wait, and the next bill to “save” us might just drown us in new debt. Watch what they do, not what they post. Stay sharp, Dummies.
🧠 Did something sketchy hit your portfolio this week?
Drop your worst trade story in the comments or tag us on X — we might feature it in next week’s “Bagholder Confessionals.”
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…because the real alpha is knowing what not to ape into.
Crypto Dummy 
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